Of hookers and auditors

I hate the client i'm currently doing.

(wow. that sounded so wrong? HAHAHA)

Bugger couldnt tell a debit from a credit.

not that it matters anyway.

we end up having to correct their mistakes with no consequence to the bugger.

Anyway. what i wanted to whine about is the fact that the messiness and un-properly kept accounts is taking up alot of my time.
I'm very close to going over the budgeted cost no thanks to the bugger.

Anyway, enough on the boring stuff.
News from the south island.

EY firing, PWC , KPMG cutting salaries. I have no news about Deloitte though.
And well, very obviously, across the board, hiring has either slowed or stopped.

Many people think the big four arent affected, when this is quite a fallacy.
Our audit doesnt earn as much revenue as it did last time anymore

(when you calculate its percentage. the firms earn a bigger chunk from their supposedly ancillary services these days.)

On lighter note.

There was an email going round comparing hookers to auditors.

Its pretty corny, but sadly, parts of it are rather true.

* You work very odd hours. 
* You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.
* You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.
* You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.
* You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.
* You are not proud of what you do.
* Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded. 
* It's difficult to have a family.
* You have no job satisfaction.
* If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.
* You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.
* People ask you what you do and you can't explain it.
* Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend).
* Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you're left hanging with only other professionals.
* Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.
* Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.
* Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.
* Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.
* You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.
* When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday A.M. to Friday P.M.).
* You are rated on your performance in an excruciating ordeal.
* Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.
* The client always thinks your cut of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.
* When you deduct your take from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.
* Everyday you wake up and tell yourself you're not going to be doing this stuff for the rest of your life.

The truth and nothing but the truth.

I picked this up from one of the regular blogs i visit.

Its being forwarded like mad in the states.

http://www.examiner.com/x-3040-Minneapolis-Life-in-the-Cubicle-Examiner~y2009m3d10-PWC-Deloitte-EY-and-KPMG-Big-4-employees-modern-indentured-servants

Found it rather amusing.

(albeit a shockingly accurate description)

are you shhhurrrre?

One of the partners came up to me today,

ask hows everything going.

Mentioned something about training planned for the off-peak season.

lol.

when is off peak i wonder.

Rumour is there isn't going to be an off-peak this year.

So I have a really good question here.

Recession.

eh, whats that?

Stop shoveling? you'd better not.

Its funny when I see someone start blaming other people for the most insignificant stuff.
Funny until I get to see the whole picture.

All the shit comes from the top, and filters to the bottom.

The more inefficient you are at filtering out the shit,

the more you stink,

the more the one below you has to filter.

This particular colleague can't seem to take all the shit coming at her.

Everyday at work i see the light(whatever's left) being drained out of her.

And she gets so grumpy she bites at anyone she can.

I can't say I don't pity her, but if there's one thing you gotta do, especially if you're in audit,

is to "see through all the bullshit" ( to quote a friend of mine)

And make sure you shovel fast enough.

You don't chuck it at other people cuz it's just gonna come back at you.

Maybe I should have a talk with her sometime..

...AFTER i shovel my own shit first. =)

Aloha teabreaks

This client I'm currently working on is really fantastic.

All for the simplest reasons:

1. They close at 530pm. 6pm latest. Auditors must go. No two ways about that.

2. I get to choose a beverage to drink when i come in, and again after lunch.

3. Their toilets are REAL CLEAN.

Yeah I know.

You must be thinking, whats so fantastic about these 3 lousy reasons?

I'll tell you this.

You'll never learn to stop just to feel the breeze and smell the air around you until you've been to the Zimbabwes in your life.

On a side note.

I found out my laptop's broken today.

literally.

broken.

Still turns on though.

hm.

wonder when the firm'll get me a new one.

If frustration could kill..

I came across this client the other day?

She was handicapped.

not like handicapped - handicapped, brain-handicapped.

I asked her to export the GL in PDF file so that i can read it on my laptop.

" PDF? how to export?"

~ wtf?

"uh, you know, export to PDF file?"

" dunno la"

~ ==

"okay, let me see."

~ i click about abit~

"there, this is how you export it."

"OHHHH.."

*mumbles something to herself* 

"Whats that?"

*mumbles slightly louder*

"I'm sorry, can't quite hear you"

*smiles at me*

 " how to open PDF file ah?"

HOW TO OPEN PDF FILE AH?, WHAT THE FUCK AH???

$%*&@%$&s**5%(!!!!!!

Even if you dont know what fucking program it should open with, 

you should at least KNOW THAT YOU CAN DOUBLECLICK IT TO OPEN???

*trying very hard to restrain my annoyance from showing*

"Oh here, you just double click it..."

"OHHHH..."

and she's only in her late 20s.

qualified accountant.

geesh.

unbe-fuckin-lieeevable.

"To be or not to be"

.. Is not the question.

Now, the question,

The question really should be "To give a shit or to not give a shit."

That my friend, is exactly whats been affecting our world all this while.

Take for example, that particularly annoying stupid person at work who with the pea-sized brain. While she goes about her daily routine of being annoying (and getting her ugly fritzy hair with its even uglier head's nose sticking itself into your ass everytime you move about) and suddenly she comes up to you and demands that you keep her files for her til tomorrow.

There's two things you could do at that point.

1. to give a shit.( and get some credit for giving a shit)

or

2. to NOT give a shit.

If you were to go about option number 1. you would be all nice and chummy and tell her "sure thing! here, i'll take that."

Now, if you chose option 1, you're a pretty stupid bugger. Or not.
In my case, I gave her the file back the next day( which she didn't rmbr).

And so she came about side of town and asked my about the files.

To which I nonchalantly said "I dunno. I returned it to you already".

Unimpressed by my answer she kept at it(being a bitch and asking me). To which i merely repeated my answer and made sure she saw my annoyed face.

( I've got a job goddammit. You think I have time to babysit you?? and you're an *M already forgoodness' sake. frickin act like one.)

And so she got the message and went about asking everyone else whether they took her file.

Seriously. Who the heck would have time to go about touching your things? ( Or even want to? )

Anyway, she went about town whining and annoying anyone that bothered to listen about her files being missing.
Left for client's place.

Came back later in the night.

Found out from colleague later that she found her file.

Couldnt be bothered about it. She already did what I wished her to do.( annoy everyone else but me )

Few days later, she asked me where i put one of my items.(she was supposed to review it)

I told her gimme a second to find out.

and she said the darndest thing!

" huh. what lah you. always forget where you put your stuff. tsk tsk."

like, what the fuck?I just said gimme a second to find it. Not 

"I DUNNO WHERE I PUT IT OMG. DID YOU TAKE IT?? WHATBOUT YOU? OR YOU? OR YOU....etc"

It was so fucking unbelievable! I couldnt fucking believe she said that to me! and after her huge drama just the day before!

I swear, someone should take her to the Gaza Strip and let her settle there.

Both sides of the strip would even gladly pack up bags and leave just so not to be annoyed to death.

WMDs?

no match to this weapon of mass annoyance.

Option 2.

You would've saved yourself all the trouble and didn't have to post this on your blog.

See? 

To give a shit or to not give a shit.

It truly is The Question.